lost
Collection 5
fear.
Home is where
the two one two
Look Up
i'm sorry, but i'm happy
Five
Icarus Tree
fear.
fear. fear of missing out on you and me.
fear. fear that you don't want my jealousy.
fear. fear that we could never turn back time.
this wasn't my design, maybe I shouldn't have drawn the line.
maybe i should've just kept you mine and everything would've been fine,
but i remember i saw the signs of that neutral future kind
and i just couldn't—why am i lyin'?...
truth is got tired of tryin'.
iron stopped sharpenin' iron.
got bored so i got to firin'.
rentin' time instead of buyin' and now what?
now i'm nervous to hit your line.
i ask my friends to make sure you're fine.
i try to fight it but feel inclined,
to know if you miss being mine.
fear.
Home is where
If home is where the heart is, my home is still in Kansas City.
Not because of sports or because local views are pretty.
Not because of childhood memories of friends and accolades.
Not because of summer fundraisers selling lemonade.
It’s because my heart’s been stuck there in a cozy warm apartment.
The smell of coffee lingers and she cooks with paper parchment.
But if you travel to the closet, the one that’s filled with all the garments.
You pull back all the clothes and open a dusty, lost compartment.
That’s where I am, that’s why home can’t leave, it’s a crucial youthful part of me.
My heart’s contained in a little box, behind the socks, with a keyless lock.
No fragile stamp, just a “Do Not Touch.” Right beside it, a beat-up clutch.
Full of old favorites—lipsticks and lotions, smells reminiscent of long lost emotions.
If I could make one request, this is all I would ask. Keep it please, don’t ship it back.
Even if it’s just gonna sit there for years, a silent kept secret from all of your peers.
Even if without it I can’t find a new home, and I can’t kick this feeling of being alone.
I’ll know there’s a chance that you’ll peek back one day, and maybe you’ll give me one last chance to say...
the two one two
I wish we were back in the 2-1-2,
On a beat-up couch, just me and you.
Young college dreamers and we had no clue,
The team we'd be and the things we'd do.
I remember the fear in my naive eyes,
When I tried to kiss you under dark night skies.
Never thought it'd be me that was telling lies,
Or that I'd be the one that said goodbye.
And I remember the negligence of that first summer.
I worked full-time, acted like I was above her.
She stuck around, our relationship hovered.
Wasn't til Fall that I knew that I loved her.
We both went out, too many bottles of liquor.
When I saw her smile, loved her that much quicker.
Her beautiful mind, even outdo her figure.
Now I'm two bottles down, feeling sicker and sicker.
Miss having her around, I'm stuck on internal bicker.
Clock is counting it down, that's my internal ticker.
I keep hearing the sound, she's on my sleeve like a sticker.
Now I'm two bottles down, feeling sicker and sicker.
Please god, take me back to the 2-1-2.
Bottle in hand with the prettiest view.
I fucked it all up, as if right on cue.
I can only hope that she misses me too.
Look Up
Two cold hands
Too far apart
Too long gone
Two halves a heart
But do not fear
We're both right here
Despite how you feel, I'm always near
Just look up.
I'll meet you at the moon.
I see your reflection
On the moon's soft surface
Flawless complexion
I still get nervous
Staring up into space
I'll wait for you to join
That almost forgotten embrace
That we both enjoy
We have so many memories
I couldn't calculate cleverly
What each one has meant to me
Always worth treasuring
So meet me there please
That same one hugged and kissed under
That same one swung and missed under
That same one stung and pissed under
Look up.
I'll meet you at the moon.
i'm sorry, but i'm happy
I've got my phone in hand
Typing out the perfect message
You win, I'm tapping out
Finally learned my lesson.
I've got my plea typed out
Proofread it forty times
In fact it reads like poetry
Even without the rhyme.
It says I love you more now
Than I ever have before
And our distance is too loud
It cannot be ignored.
It says I wish I had more space
To explain all that I've learned
About the pain I carried with me
And all of my wrong turns.
I tried to drive away from us
Anxiety running down me
But the faster I drove
The more we were all around me.
Because we're everywhere I look
When I see things that make me happy
Whether it's mojitos on the beach
Or just two people napping
Whether it's jet skis at the lake
Or just the smell of coffee
Whether it's hiking up a trail
Or beers that taste too hoppy.
All these good memories
Make my cheeks warm
And for a second I'm transported
To a place less war-torn.
But as I hover over this message
I realize it's all lost
If I send this now, there's
Really just one response.
​
I'm sorry, but I'm happy.
And honestly just confused.
There was a time where I
Was yours, and only yours to lose.
And you lost me...
And you kept it that way.
There was a time where I
Was begging you to stay.
But this isn't that time, and
I don't know why you sent me that.
All I can say now is that
I hope you never write me back.
I'm happy now, and
I can't let you ruin this, too.
I'd say it's different, but it's better.
I promise I'm over you.
Every day I wait
That response becomes more certain.
I cannot disrupt happiness
So I stay behind the curtain.
I'll keep this skeleton in my closet
Just a little bit longer.
But every day I hear him knocking
Just a little bit stronger.
Five
I tried to start over.
Everything I had, everything I had become, was toxic.
The pressure broke me and I was unrecognizable.
I tried to hold onto the positives, people I loved, and
I tried to start over.
And I thought it worked.
I had beautiful relationships with wonderful people.
People were proud of me and I learned how to love and be loved.
I had lived for so long with a broken heart that we mended
And I thought it worked.
But I was still me.
So even though I loved, and I had everything I asked for,
I still woke up miserable and hopeless and angry inside.
I really thought that achieving my goals would make me happy
But I was still me.
So I ruined it.
I got upset that I didn't feel safe being my true self.
I got frustrated when life didn't go exactly as planned.
I thought the issue was that my environment was toxic
So I ruined it.
I'm really sorry.
I hid myself from everyone; you were never the problem.
All you ever tried to do was love unconditionally.
I was too self-conscious to share the truth. I know you're gone but
I'm really sorry.
Icarus Tree
Grey bark peels
Dry roots shrivel
Leaves crunch
Limbs dangle
This drought got the best of me
Decay then took the rest of me
It was a perfect, awful recipe
Of denying my one Destiny
I grew larger than was sustainable
Guess I left my plot too soon
Thought I needed to soak in more sun
Already had the perfect view
When the weather was fair I grew and I grew to a size I had only ever dreamed of. When the rains stopped coming, and the heat lingered for weeks on end, I just couldn't keep up. I didn't store enough water to last this long. The sun singed the tips of my limbs, while beetles and other creatures fed on my base. The caterpillars that used to crawl on my leaves and the birds that used to build their homes in my crevices—they left. If I couldn't even keep myself alive, what did I have left to offer them?
I think the problem is I never saw myself as the tree—the source of growth for a local habitat, reliant on the ecosystem I helped create to build me up, too. I thought I was the sun—100 million miles away, a self-sufficient phenomenon feeding the universe. My ignorance meant I turned away from the environmental factors—the mulch that supported my soil and the critters that called me home—that got me to where I was at.
And now I'm here. Choking on dry air, exhausted. I'm wondering if I can downsize and humble myself, welcome back with open arms the things that once made me great. Or have they found new homes? Did they realize the biome I cultivated wasn't one-of-a-kind? Maybe now it's time to start over as a seed, hope I get as lucky as I did in my previous life, and try not to grow so close to the sun...